My Journey In and Through Mormonism Part 3

 But, not everything in the church is good and the parts that are bad are quite toxic.  I’m going to back up my story a bit to the beginning, so bear with me.

 

I decided to get baptized in Utah.  My online friends that had helped me into the gospel were all going to meet there and spend a couple of weeks together, and I wanted to share this occasion with them.

So, my story was a little different from the norm, and a lot of people were interested in it.  I called the missionaries saying I wanted to be baptized, versus them finding me and sharing with me the gospel.  I was different, and a few people even looked at me in awe.  A few people even shared that they felt I was an answer to the fasting and prayers that my ward had been doing for increased missionary work.

 

That kind of thing gets to your head after a while, but it’s also incredibly frustrating and, as you’ll see, did a lot more harm than good.

 

In the beginning I was very naïve about the ins and outs of Mormonism, and I was getting a bit of a haughty attitude because of the way people treated me and my story (my fault, I know), so I was very confused and irritated when people said they were feeling miserable and depressed.  What were you so depressed about?  You know the truth of the gospel, the Plan of Happiness!  There’s no need to be sad!

 

And my little delusion lasted for a surprisingly long time, looking back.

 

But then the lessons started to really sink in.

 

For one, missionary work, sharing the gospel, is super important!  You’ve been given this great gift!  Don’t you want to share it with the people you love and help them feel the happiness you have?  You don’t want them to get to the afterlife and ask you why you didn’t share what you know do you?  Think of how sad that would be.

Serve your neighbours, your friends, your family!  Serving is what the Lord did, so you should do it too.  It’s also a great way to share the gospel!

Christ died for your sins, every time you do something wrong, you added to his pain.  (Refer to the last two paragraphs especially).  Repent so you can feel the spirit again!

Some of the lessons were even hypocritical.  They cautioned against busyness and doing too much, but then would turn around and reprimand you if you weren't doing enough for the church.  And don’t be busy?  I wasn’t even doing everything I possibly could do, activity wise and I was already dedicated 4 ½ hours to church.  Activities alone.  That doesn’t include the 2 hours a day I had started with reading scriptures.  Then when I started teaching and doing genealogy work, well, it adds up.

But busyness doesn’t count if it’s for building up the Kingdom of God.  That’s the most important thing you can do in this life, prepare for the next and bring as many people to the fold as possible.

 

And guess what the message to women was?  Not only is your most important role motherhood, it's really what you should strive for.  Career?  Dreams?  Goals?  No, no, get married as young as possible, have kids as soon as possible, and give up an individuality you have.  All women should be homemakers, soft spoken, and "sweet spirits".  Your role is to support your man and educate your children in the gospel.

Over time, it got to me.  I never felt good enough.  None of my family members were interested in joining, and I wasn’t pushing it because I love them and respect their decisions, same with my friends.

When I started working again, I felt even worse. I wasn’t dedicating as much time to my scriptures and prayers, some days I wouldn’t even touch them.    Wasn't I an elect spirit of God?  Why did I continually struggle with the basics?

There was always a sense of urgency too.  Prepare for the Second Coming!  Don’t be caught unprepared (Pay your tithing), or you’ll be burned to a crisp along with the wicked people of the earth.  There was never anything specific (it’s all in the Lord’s time) but it was always implied that it was soon.  (And yet they've been talking about it for a while).

So many of the messages are directed to you, the individual, that you become trapped in your own head and feelings.  Am I doing what is right?  Am I on the path Heavenly Father has set out for me?  Oh I should repent, I didn’t pray this morning, I said a swear word, I didn’t go to church, I (fill in the blank).  But selfishness is also bad, you shouldn’t think of yourself so much. 

 

Over time that promise that my family could be together forever became a burden instead of buoy.  It was intensified by my Patriarchal Blessing (a “roadmap” of sorts of blessings and promises you’ll receive in life, worthiness pending), which said I would be a unifying force in my family.  In my mind, my efforts would be the determining factor in my family’s salvation.  I knew they had their free will, but if they chose against it, wasn’t it because I had failed to do my part?

 

And here’s the most damaging message of all:  You’re not happy?  You’ve obviously done something wrong, figure it out and repent.  Come to church, trust in the Lord, we all have the answers.  We can help you.  The Saviour can help you, just let him help you.  (Because, obviously, if He isn't helping we're preventing it somehow).

I read a brilliant comment on reddit once.  It was something along the lines of:  The church cripples you and then gives you the wheelchair.