Do You Know What's Hard?

Having your worth as a human being based on ficticious ideals.  I feel the need to go into some detail about this so bear with me.

One thing I've noticed since leaving the mormon church is that non mormons just don't understand.  And I get it.  It's something an outside really can't understand until they've been in a similar situation.  People think "it's just another church" and can't understand all the emotion that comes with leaving it.

And I get it.

But it makes it hard to find people to vent too.  Sure I can go to online forums and it helps.  But talking, actually saying the words out loud, that's the true therapy.  That's where the healing really comes.  But when you have to explain everything before people really get where you're coming from.

It becomes more exhausting than helpful.  However, I've come to realize that maybe I do need explain, if only to get the information out there so others can understand where people like me are coming from.  And I don't mean just exmormons.  I mean anyone who's ever have to overcome mind control.  Who's ever had to break the bonds of those chains and relearn or completely learn how to think for themselves.

In the mormon culture, everything is controlled.  Your dress, your attitude, your food, your time and your money.

Dress:
Modesty for women mean shoulders covered, no cleavage, skirts just above the knee, and when you're endowed you get garments.
Men seem to be able to get away with anything.  (But I think they also have similar standards, but I've seen men get away with a lot).

Attitude:
No swearing (though it still happens but you have to repent).
No ill thoughts towards others (repent if you have them)
Don't be angry at god (even if your horse can no longer jump and you thought you were doing everything he asked you to do... Oh and repent if you do get mad)
No masturbating (repent and discuss with your bishop if you do)
Don't do anything that can elicit sexual urges (repent and council with your bishop if you do)
And sex is worse than murder, but not if you're married, suddenly it's okay.  Oh and you can face excommunication for having it out of wedlock.
Homosexuality is also a sin.  Oh wait no acting on it is a sin, but you should try really hard to stop if you have urges and get to be celibate forever.

Food:
There's the Word of Wisdom.  It's actually very confusing when you actually read it.
But the consensus seems to be: no coffee, no alcohol, no tea (herbal is okay, except green tea), no illegal drugs, no smoking.
Hot chocolate is okay and recently it has been clarified that pop like coke and pepsi is okay.  Despite the whole caution against hot drinks and caffeine not being for consumption.

Time:
Church: 3 hours every sunday, not including meetings before or after
Institute: Depending on your area, 1.5hrs once or twice a week.
Family Home Evening: prayer and spiritual goodness every monday
Seminary (for high schoolers) I believe is before school every week day.
Plus there's scouts, and other activities.
Home teaching/visiting teaching: Monthly visits from people you really don't want to see you are checking to make sure you're still doing what you should.
Oh but make sure you include time for your family.

Money:
10% of your income to your church plus fast offerings to help the poor, and feel free to add extra whenever you feel necessary.

Then there's the Temple.  Oh the stories I've heard of the temple.  To enter the temple you have to hold a recommend.  To hold a recommend you have to be an upstanding member of the church.  Pay all your tithing, follow the rules, and not associate with people who speak ill of the church (I forget the exact wording, it's been a while since my last interview).

So basically, you have to jump through all these hoops, and everyone's goal is to marry in the  temple, have babies, and be exalted in the celestial kingdom (the highest degree of mormon heaven).  For further information check out this.

So after all this information, can you imagine, for a second, how hard dating is?  You're not looking for a compatible person, you're looking for a person who'll jump through the hoops and get you into heaven!  And you're lucky if they're compatible.

Which brings me to the title of this post.  DO you know what the hardest thing about leaving the church was?  Having a guy I had a crush on tell me he's also interested in me as I'm leaving the church.  I tell him so, being honest that I was leaving to be true to myself (being considerate of his beliefs) and that if he was still interested I was willing to try.

What happened?

Heard nothing else and four months later he's engaged.

And THAT my friends is why exmos have such a hard time not having ill and bitter feelings towards that religion.  Because if I had met this guy and the church wasn't involved in either of our lives, guess what?  Maybe we would've had something, maybe not, but we could've given it a shot.

But what happened?  I got rejected based on the fact that I was now considered an APOSTATE.  Because of my BELIEFS, I am now considered inferior, perhaps subconsciously, in their eyes.

So yes, I am pissed.  I am pissed because I see people make poor decisions that were conditioned into their brains for their entire lives, or from whenever they joined into it.  I'm pissed because no amount of evidence or logic can make them see how messed up that is.  I am pissed because of an organization that cares more about MONEY than they do about their members.

Why?

Here's a poem that I wrote this week. I'd forgotten how therapeutic it can be for me, and with the suggestion of others I'm sharing it here.

Why

I never wanted to stop being your friend.
I wanted to try,
But you didn't listen.
I wanted to explain,
But you never gave me the chance.
You said you loved me,
But chose another over us.
You said you cared.
I know I hurt you,
I wanted to apologize.
Maybe I should've anyways.
I didn't take you in confidence,
But I was scared.
I knew you'd be sad,
Devastated,
Maybe even betrayed.
When I needed you to be a friend,
You chose to slap me with your words.
With your quotes you called me an ignorant coward.
You wouldn't listen to my side
You dismissed my sources of information,
And demanded I read yours?
I just wanted you to see,
That you'd been misled.
I know I walked away,
And never told you why.
But you hadn't said anything to me in weeks,
What reason had I to think you cared?
Besides, I'd always be in the wrong,
And what kind of friendship is that?
But I can't make you see it.
I can't force anyone to see what they won't.
I wasn't perfect,
But I was there for you.
Why weren't you there for me?