Buckling Down

I tend to be a bit on the lazy side with things I want to do, goals I have, and it's been slowly sinking in that if it's something I really want to do, then I need to actually do what I can to make it happen.

Instead of saying how much I want it to happen and then just never doing it.

So, I've started myself on a drawing boot camp.  Every week will have a theme and I'll sketch only that for a week.

This week I'm sketching hands.  Next week I'll sketch feet, then heads, etc.  I'll start with the things I feel are my weak points, and then progress to other things.  Cause everything can be improved.

I want to be confident enough with various body parts and poses to be able to draw more things from my mind instead of hunting for references.  I want my sketches to be that much more free and confident, so that's why I'm going to sketch until it's second nature.

Woohoo!

Day One!

Religion is Not a Pre-requisite to Happiness

Because everyone has their own path through life.  For some, they feel happiness in believe in a higher power, going to church, serving others through their religion (cause Atheists help people too), etc.  But it kind of sets my teeth on edge when people go on and on about how other people need Jesus (or whatever else people may invite you to believe) in their life.  I quietly bite my tongue and move on.  Especially when it's on Facebook because we all have to right to post whatever we choose to social media.

But my tongue's getting kind of sore, so I'm going to use my own little pocket of the internet to share my thoughts on the matter.

I find it ironic, what my life's journey has been like in terms of religion.  When I was a kid I did go to church with my family.  We went to the United Church.  I don't specifically remember believing, but I don't think I disbelieved either.  Eventually we stopped going (yay hockey!!) and over time I dropped (if I ever had it) christianity and became eclectic.  I say eclectic cause I have absolutely no idea how to describe my beliefs because they varied often.  I did really love mythology too, and liked to think that maybe they had it right.  I also dabbled in Wicca for a bit.

Then one day, my brother and sister in law and I watched the Secret.  Learned a lot about the universe and how I can affect it.  So, was there actually any form of God?  If a human like me could have that much power in my own life?  (And it does work).

Anywhoo long story short joined the Mormon church, happy for the first 2, miserable for the remainder till I leaved and ta-da!  Happy again!!

I'd say I've come full circle.  But not quite.  Because now I've come to realize that I'm an Atheist.  I don't believe in god.  If Jesus was real he was just a man.  Albeit a very good one, but still just a man.  But what I do believe in is universe.  What do I mean by that?  I mean that I  believe that I am a part of the universe and because of that, I have to power to affect it.  I have the power to choose my life and how I will live it.  I can even, to a certain extent, choose what will happen to me.  Not everything is directly in my control, since sometimes things things happen.  But I'm not at the mercy of the whims of a god that has less maturity than a four year old.  (Read the bible carefully).

So, for me in my life.  I don't need religion.  I don't want religion.  I am in control of my own life.  My consequences are my responsibility.  I act faster than I did as a mormon cause I don't bother to pray first.  I act first.  And things actually get done faster because of it.

I don't want to diss praying because I know it can be a huge comfort to people.

But for me it just caused me to fret and do nothing.  Whereas now I've chosen to take my life into my own hands so I have to act accordingly.

And if there is a god.  Wouldn't he/she/it/they/etc, be pleased that I'm using the intelligence, power, confidence, etc. that I've gained through life to make it my own?  Isn't that the goal of all parents?  To teach their kids the best they can and hope they live a fulfilling and happy life?  Regardless of how they do it?  (Well, short of living a life of crime that is).

I don't need a book, or a god, or a preacher to tell me my morals.  I have morals that I've gained through experience, and the example of my parents, brother, and people I've encountered in life.  From books and movies, games, art, etc.  There's a wealth of knowledge to be learned through history.

The world is progressing so fast, science has come such a long way.  And the more that is explained, the less of a need there is for God.

Because, really.  Isn't religion the modern day Mythology?  A way to explain the unexplainable?

Do You Know What's Hard?

Having your worth as a human being based on ficticious ideals.  I feel the need to go into some detail about this so bear with me.

One thing I've noticed since leaving the mormon church is that non mormons just don't understand.  And I get it.  It's something an outside really can't understand until they've been in a similar situation.  People think "it's just another church" and can't understand all the emotion that comes with leaving it.

And I get it.

But it makes it hard to find people to vent too.  Sure I can go to online forums and it helps.  But talking, actually saying the words out loud, that's the true therapy.  That's where the healing really comes.  But when you have to explain everything before people really get where you're coming from.

It becomes more exhausting than helpful.  However, I've come to realize that maybe I do need explain, if only to get the information out there so others can understand where people like me are coming from.  And I don't mean just exmormons.  I mean anyone who's ever have to overcome mind control.  Who's ever had to break the bonds of those chains and relearn or completely learn how to think for themselves.

In the mormon culture, everything is controlled.  Your dress, your attitude, your food, your time and your money.

Dress:
Modesty for women mean shoulders covered, no cleavage, skirts just above the knee, and when you're endowed you get garments.
Men seem to be able to get away with anything.  (But I think they also have similar standards, but I've seen men get away with a lot).

Attitude:
No swearing (though it still happens but you have to repent).
No ill thoughts towards others (repent if you have them)
Don't be angry at god (even if your horse can no longer jump and you thought you were doing everything he asked you to do... Oh and repent if you do get mad)
No masturbating (repent and discuss with your bishop if you do)
Don't do anything that can elicit sexual urges (repent and council with your bishop if you do)
And sex is worse than murder, but not if you're married, suddenly it's okay.  Oh and you can face excommunication for having it out of wedlock.
Homosexuality is also a sin.  Oh wait no acting on it is a sin, but you should try really hard to stop if you have urges and get to be celibate forever.

Food:
There's the Word of Wisdom.  It's actually very confusing when you actually read it.
But the consensus seems to be: no coffee, no alcohol, no tea (herbal is okay, except green tea), no illegal drugs, no smoking.
Hot chocolate is okay and recently it has been clarified that pop like coke and pepsi is okay.  Despite the whole caution against hot drinks and caffeine not being for consumption.

Time:
Church: 3 hours every sunday, not including meetings before or after
Institute: Depending on your area, 1.5hrs once or twice a week.
Family Home Evening: prayer and spiritual goodness every monday
Seminary (for high schoolers) I believe is before school every week day.
Plus there's scouts, and other activities.
Home teaching/visiting teaching: Monthly visits from people you really don't want to see you are checking to make sure you're still doing what you should.
Oh but make sure you include time for your family.

Money:
10% of your income to your church plus fast offerings to help the poor, and feel free to add extra whenever you feel necessary.

Then there's the Temple.  Oh the stories I've heard of the temple.  To enter the temple you have to hold a recommend.  To hold a recommend you have to be an upstanding member of the church.  Pay all your tithing, follow the rules, and not associate with people who speak ill of the church (I forget the exact wording, it's been a while since my last interview).

So basically, you have to jump through all these hoops, and everyone's goal is to marry in the  temple, have babies, and be exalted in the celestial kingdom (the highest degree of mormon heaven).  For further information check out this.

So after all this information, can you imagine, for a second, how hard dating is?  You're not looking for a compatible person, you're looking for a person who'll jump through the hoops and get you into heaven!  And you're lucky if they're compatible.

Which brings me to the title of this post.  DO you know what the hardest thing about leaving the church was?  Having a guy I had a crush on tell me he's also interested in me as I'm leaving the church.  I tell him so, being honest that I was leaving to be true to myself (being considerate of his beliefs) and that if he was still interested I was willing to try.

What happened?

Heard nothing else and four months later he's engaged.

And THAT my friends is why exmos have such a hard time not having ill and bitter feelings towards that religion.  Because if I had met this guy and the church wasn't involved in either of our lives, guess what?  Maybe we would've had something, maybe not, but we could've given it a shot.

But what happened?  I got rejected based on the fact that I was now considered an APOSTATE.  Because of my BELIEFS, I am now considered inferior, perhaps subconsciously, in their eyes.

So yes, I am pissed.  I am pissed because I see people make poor decisions that were conditioned into their brains for their entire lives, or from whenever they joined into it.  I'm pissed because no amount of evidence or logic can make them see how messed up that is.  I am pissed because of an organization that cares more about MONEY than they do about their members.

Why?

Here's a poem that I wrote this week. I'd forgotten how therapeutic it can be for me, and with the suggestion of others I'm sharing it here.

Why

I never wanted to stop being your friend.
I wanted to try,
But you didn't listen.
I wanted to explain,
But you never gave me the chance.
You said you loved me,
But chose another over us.
You said you cared.
I know I hurt you,
I wanted to apologize.
Maybe I should've anyways.
I didn't take you in confidence,
But I was scared.
I knew you'd be sad,
Devastated,
Maybe even betrayed.
When I needed you to be a friend,
You chose to slap me with your words.
With your quotes you called me an ignorant coward.
You wouldn't listen to my side
You dismissed my sources of information,
And demanded I read yours?
I just wanted you to see,
That you'd been misled.
I know I walked away,
And never told you why.
But you hadn't said anything to me in weeks,
What reason had I to think you cared?
Besides, I'd always be in the wrong,
And what kind of friendship is that?
But I can't make you see it.
I can't force anyone to see what they won't.
I wasn't perfect,
But I was there for you.
Why weren't you there for me?

My Life as an Exmo

Has been really, really simple.

I don't feel guilt nearly as often as I used to.  I'm not constantly stressing about making the right decision.  I'm not worried about what an invisible sky daddy is constantly thinking about me.  And I don't censor my thoughts, or emotions which did nothing good for me at all.  (And if you think the church does not teach controlling your emotions and thoughts: take a quick peek at these search results.)

Now I look forward to the future because I've realized if I want to do something, I better get out there and do it cause this life is probably the only chance I've got to do it.  I'm more prone to go out with friends (somewhat more) because I never know when the next chance will be.  When I get angry I no longer get in a vicious cycle of anger/stress/guilt (repeat for days on end).  Now I get angry, swear, maybe hit a pillow, move on with life.

I've also recongized that there is not one "right" way to do things.  I don't have a predetermined path to walk.  I can walk whatever road I feel like walking.  And hey, if I get halfway down and realize I don't like it, I can change direction and forge a new path all over again.

I'm far more relaxed around people too.  Since I no longer worry about the "spirit" being offended, (Which he is an overly sensitive jerk that needs to get a life) not much phases me anymore in a conversation.  I don't worry about if there's caffeine in something I want to drink, and heck if I wanna try a coffee I will try a coffee.  I have discovered that I become extremely ADD with coffee though.  (By become, I mean more so).

So really, I've become a far healthier, mentally stable individual.  My head has become my safe haven again.  The place where I can say what I really want to say before I come out with my filtered response.  I've painted more.  When I actually get my butt around to it I write more freely.

And most importantly, I AM HAPPY.

Do I want to make changes in my life?  Yes.  But I also recognize that is is within my power to change it.  I don't  need permission from a big invisible sky dude whose more concerned about sex than he is about people making the world a better place.

Let Me Tell You Something

So last night, months after leaving the church, I get a call from someone. At first I thought that they were also leaving and wanted to talk it over. Boy was I wrong about that impression. (hmm, feeling being wrong? Funny how that can happen!)

They had "Figured Out" my reasons for leaving. I'd been left out.

So here's something everyone needs to know. I don't give a fuck about how people treat me. If I had still felt the church was right for me, I'd still be in it, regardless of how I was treated. Because I learned very early on that I'm the one that matters in my life cause hey, I live 24/7 with me and everyone else can come and go as they please.

I don't have many friends. I'd consider three at most to be friends at this rate. Am I sad by that? No! Because I know I can count on these people.

I've had many, many experiences where I've discovered my "Friends" weren't friends at all. I've had my trust broken many times, been abused and manipulated, and I do not open up easily. But, I am content with my own company, even when people are not being welcoming and friendly.

So again, I did not leave because of people leaving me out. Cause they didn't, and even if they had, whatever! I'm an introvert anyways, I don't need people! I like people, but most of the time I liked sitting alone, hence why I sat alone. Funny that.

I will reiterate: I left to be true to myself. I woke up and saw the church for what they were when I learned about their actions in prop 8. I learned that they are manipulative and abusive. If you're tired of me saying this, guess what? I'm tired of it being necessary. So, leave. Me. Alone. If you want to chat? Fine, leave religion out of it. You want to hang out? Sure! Do not try to re convert me!

An do not tell me to keep an open mind, when in yours you're right and I'm wrong. Cause whose being close minded then?

Just Do Yourself a Favour and Don't

While browsing the exmormon subreddit, came across this little gem.

Sigh...

See, here's the thing.  Those of us who have left the church, for the most part (I can't speak for everyone) have done so because we no longer want to be a part of it.  Whatever our individual reasons may be.

I'm not a miserable lost soul waiting for a rescuing hand.  For the most part I'm quite thrilled with my life, being able to think and choose for myself and not worry about pleasing a god with my every thought and deed.

And your principle of love?  Puh-lease.  I remember being on the receiving end of that "love".  It's temporary.  It's fake.  It lacks sincerity.  Why?  How many times had people put in huge effort to reassure me, to reach out to me, when I wasn't attending church.  When I'd get back into being a weekly presence?  Funny, all those caring people became superficial again.  Just the same old "hi how are you?"  Without any actual thought or care behind it.

It gets old real fast.  And when people say:  "I'm here for your"  and I think in the back of my mind "Except when I ask you to be?"  That's not love.  That's putting on a show.  And if all you care about is getting my back at church, don't even bother.

Now, I do appreciate the fact that since I have resigned no one has tried to reactivate me.  And I greatly appreciate that.  However, I do know there are others who are getting these "shows of love" and attempts all the time.

Apostates and exmormons have a reputation of being grumpy and rude.  Well, when you constantly, constantly, are after someone to do something they don't want to do, regardless of what they say?  Yep, they'll snap eventually.

And here's another thing that I had to shake my head at.  Uchtdorf in his talk said that often the people who leave the church were seeking after truth.  But according to Monson "Some struggle with sin while others wander in fear or apathy or ignorance."  Um... No... Not the case.


It is my knowledge that led me to leave.  It is my caring about my fellow human beings that caused me to leave.  It was me tired of feeling guilty and afraid over stupid, meaningless things that are considered bad, when they are in fact human.  I didn't leave so I could drink and party and fit in with the world.  I left so I could be true to myself, and no longer be a part of an organization that actively tries to deny other humans basic rights.


You want to know how you can help those who have left the church?  Start by respecting our right to chose to live our lives in whatever way we choose.

11th Article of Faith: We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.

Which also includes the choice to not believe.  Because I don't believe in god anymore.  I'm atheist and I'm totally okay with that.  I used to think that would be such a sad way to live, but it's not.  So what if I don't believe there's a divine being watching over us?  I'm more concerned with living.

Why the New Blog?

There's been a lot of changes this summer.

Changes in perspectives, changes in my nature, and changes yet to happen.

It felt needed, and it felt right.

Time to start a new chapter, and why not make a new blog to signify that?

Taken the first steps down a new road and I can't wait to see where it goes.

~Leah