Eventually I moved out of the city and the
closest meeting house was 45min away.
I stopped attending institute and eventually even stopped attending
church. They call it going
“inactive” and that’s a very bad thing too.
But I was working 6 days a week and it was
exhausting not having a day off for myself. So even though I felt horribly guilty about it, I made it a
day off. I eventually went back to
church after some friends visited me and sent me messages and stuff, but it was
a cycle of activity vs inactivity and the guilt was beating me down.
Then there was the fact that the more
doctrine I learned the less it made sense. So many things contradicted scientific knowledge and proof,
and the answers were less than satisfying. If science contradicted the church, science was wrong. Rely on your testimonies, the feelings
the spirit has used to confirm the truth.
Listen to the Prophet, we know the way, the world will catch up.
Pray, study, obey.
Rinse, lather, repeat.
Your eternal salvation is on the line,
don’t put a step wrong or you’ll be miserable forever. Focus on the next life, everything
you’re experiencing now is temporary.
Eternal life was the goal, living with God forever and ever, with
perfected bodies and our families at our side.
And that’s part of how they keep you. Don’t worry, you’ll be happy in the
next life. If you endure faithfully to the end you’ll be exalted and never know
sadness again.
Truthfully over time, eternal life started
to seem really boring. Did nothing
ever happen then? I love being
happy, but I appreciate it because I can feel misery. And what was that they said about the Garden of Eden? Adam and Eve didn’t have happiness
because they knew no pain… Yet were we not headed right back for that state?
Many questions began to pile up, but I
ignored them. I had received
strong witnesses of the truth of the Gospel after all. I was an elect daughter of God; I would
not become one of those, who were prophesied to fall away in the last days. I would not loose my testimony.
But my fire wasn’t bright anymore, in fact
the flames were sputtering, threatening to die out. And eventually I stumbled across this (article)* from the
mormon newsroom.
*Unfortunately I can't find the original article, I had bookmarked it, but it must've been on a different computer. That being said, here are plenty of articles that relate the same thing:
My shelf began to crack. Here’s something that the church itself
teaches: (Articles of faith)
1. We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our [own]1 conscience, and allow all men the same privilege[,] let them worship how, where, or what they may.
12. We believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, in obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law.
If they truly believe in everyone having
free will and the ability to choose for themselves… Why did they act to pass
proposition 8, and prevent people from having equal rights? It didn’t sit right with me; it did not
sit right with me at all. It was
so wrong, and I refused to believe that God would motivate people to do this;
He’s a loving being after all. But
I put it on my shelf, I didn’t think of it.
But it wouldn’t let me go.
