January Blues

Let me paint a picture for you of what January was like.

My propane tanks had been left to run dry, then got completely refilled which left me with a close to 900$ bill.

Then I got an epic flu bug which left me unable to work for four days.  Right after said epic bill.  (Really sick for two weeks, left ear plugged for three, still have a lingering cough).

This winter has been horrid and miserable.  It's too cold to right for looong stretches and then the weather is horrible when it should be nice out.  Either tons of snow or tons of wind.  And I'm seriously tired of snow drifts.

Add to this the fact that I've been frustrated with other aspects of my life and feel I could've made some better choices when I was younger, I was downright completely miserable and depressed.

Lots of thoughts of: life seriously sucks and what's the point?

It was hard not to focus on all the times life just has not worked out the way I wanted to.  And I was feeling so low that I just didn't want to drag my butt out of the dirt, yet again, and dust myself off, yet again, to move on and try again.

I'd been really, really looking forward to joining the reserves.  I mean, seriously excited as anyone who heard me talk about it would no.  But it's just not going to work out and it was very disappointing.

Then there was a ton of pressure from my family to join to regular forces.  Which means being posted and deployed wherever I'm needed.  Which would also mean giving up my cats and saying goodbye to my horse.

So many conversations about it with people being like: It's your life don't give this up just because of your cats!  And You can still keep Belle we'll work it out.

Yeah, so either Belle stays where she is and I'm away from who for indefinite periods of time.  Or I try to take her with me wherever.  Considering I've been at three different boarding stables and have only been thoroughly happy at one, I don't like the odds.

It also didn't help that I was very dissappointed in myself after this show season because I know we can do better than what we have been doing but every single time I'd screw it up in the show ring.  So then I was feeling like what was the point in riding in anyways if I just screw it up?

But Belle is my pony and she's what keeps me going.

I then decided that no, as much as I really, really, reaaaally wanted to join the forces in some form.  The sacrifices it would've asked of me just are not worth it in the long wrong.  So family, I know you mean well, but I also know what will make me happiest in the long run.

But now I'm at the now what?  Stage of the game.  And during the dark, black, and miserable days I felt like there were no options and I was destined to be depressed forever.

I love writing, I love creating and what I really, really want to do is be able to just write full time and ride whenever I want to, as a hobby, to my own ability and just enjoy it again.

I still haven't figured everything out.  There are still things that need to change in my life cause I can't keep doing what I'm doing forever.  The propane bills are a huge wake up call.  Because, after getting another delivery at midnight, that amounted to almost 300$ despite the fact that the tank was only topped up... Well let's just say I'll be surprised if I even get a show season.

JUST when I was finally figuring everything out.  Thanks life, you're an asshole.