What if I had told you first?
You have every right to be pissed and hurt. I would've been too, had our positions been switched. I didn't take you into my confidence. I didn't tell you before I told the world.
I was scared.
I was angry.
I didn't know what to do.
I have my reasons. So many people were asking about me. When I'd be back at church, would I like home/visiting teaching. I was overwhelmed and just wanted everyone to know that I was done so I could be left alone.
I knew before hand you'd be hurt, scared and that my actions would cause that.
I have no excuses, and for not trusting you I am sorry.
But I am not the only one to blame.
You may never see this but I need to speak.
When you sent me that message, I hoped, hoped you'd call me out on not talking to you first. I could hear it in the background as you defended the church. I could feel it as you refused to look at the articles I was pointing you too. I could sense your pain, and I knew I had caused it.
But you weren't listening to me. You were already closing your ears to what I had to say. I had become someone you could not trust, an apostate to your faith, an anti-Mormon. And I am. The church had lied to me, deceived me and hurt me, and it has done the same to you.
I see now though, that I shouldn't have pushed as I did to get you to see. Posting things on facebook, that lacked tack and grace. But you're just as guilty of that as I am. All the hope that I'd come back, with stories of people once excommunicated come back, stories of Joseph Smith.
However, your posts turned hurtful.
It hurt, to see that you thought me a coward. That you thought me ignorant. Do you not know me at all?
Do you know what sent me over the edge? What was the point I said 'enough' and deleted you from facebook?
That quote of Boyd K Packer's. Coward and ignorant are two things I am not. And I read that vile filth of a quote the day after I'd watched a three year old horse suffer and die.
So yeah, I'd had enough of your passive aggressive facebook posts. I did a huge purge that day, you weren't the only one.
I had wanted to leave a door open to you. I hoped, I really freaking hoped you'd actually want to talk one day. Listen to me, not about the church, but about my feelings.
You never once asked how I felt about the whole thing. Do you think I put the whole story in that post?
I was terrified. I was hurt, scared, angry. I felt like a fool and an idiot. I knew full well I was facing the possibility of loosing your friendship the moment I decided to leave. You talked about the beauty of the temple, but you don't understand how cruel it was for a convert like myself. No family at my wedding, do you understand that pain?
I digress...
You see, even though I no longer officially follow your blog, I have been checking it.
I miss you.
I miss being able to tell you about things I've learned that you'd find fun and interesting.
I miss being able to discuss movies and books and games with you.
I found some awesome inspiration for my stories and I want to tell you about them.
But reading your blog... It hurts. It hurts because you think I was a fake.
I could have handled things better, I know that now. Looking back there's a lot of things I would have changed.
Leaving the church was emotionally the hardest thing I've ever done. I made a lot of people upset, I was an angry, negative grouch for months.
I made a lot of impulsive, emotional decisions that required logic and reasoning.
But... relationships don't end because one person decides it's done.
You sound lonely and it hurts me. I don't want you to be lonely.
But I can't be around someone who refuses to see that they've caused hurt as well. I can't be around someone who will choose god and church over a human being with emotions just as real as yours.
I'm willing to admit that I can be wrong and have made mistakes.
Are you willing to do the same?
I've been listening to Evanescence again for the first time in years. This song fits my feelings so well I cried.
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