Introverted and Dating

I remember when I was a kid, I thought my shyness is what made it so difficult and exhausting for me to be social. I thought the answer would be to find an outgoing guy to get me out of my shell.

Now, however, i understand that there is absolutely no shell. I can and do enjoy being around people and friends, because I have a nice little bubble to unwind in.

The thing is though, I really like my bubble. So the prospect of finding a guy who not only will love me and understand me and eventually share my space is rather daunting. Share a space... which is why my dreams of that dashing, extrovert have turned into: pleeaaaaaase let me find an introvert!!!

Because how do you let a guy know that you need space, but still want to see them? I've explained it on a few occasions, to different guys, to no avail. They took it as dumping, and then were more emotional than I was so I ran.

Or then there's the guys who reaaallly want to see me all the time and again, i need to take things slow. Again, also hard to get across apparently. Even non-verbal, clearly typed messages get misunderstood?

And in the back of my mind, i can't help but wonder if, with the right guy, I won't have these reservations. So maybe i'm overly worried for nothing. (would not be the first time. Like today, when i was seriously thinking i had appendicitis)...

I guess really, time will tell. In the meantime, here's hoping I'll at least make a friend. The best relationships start as friendships don't they? That concept seems lost on people today.

January Blues

Let me paint a picture for you of what January was like.

My propane tanks had been left to run dry, then got completely refilled which left me with a close to 900$ bill.

Then I got an epic flu bug which left me unable to work for four days.  Right after said epic bill.  (Really sick for two weeks, left ear plugged for three, still have a lingering cough).

This winter has been horrid and miserable.  It's too cold to right for looong stretches and then the weather is horrible when it should be nice out.  Either tons of snow or tons of wind.  And I'm seriously tired of snow drifts.

Add to this the fact that I've been frustrated with other aspects of my life and feel I could've made some better choices when I was younger, I was downright completely miserable and depressed.

Lots of thoughts of: life seriously sucks and what's the point?

It was hard not to focus on all the times life just has not worked out the way I wanted to.  And I was feeling so low that I just didn't want to drag my butt out of the dirt, yet again, and dust myself off, yet again, to move on and try again.

I'd been really, really looking forward to joining the reserves.  I mean, seriously excited as anyone who heard me talk about it would no.  But it's just not going to work out and it was very disappointing.

Then there was a ton of pressure from my family to join to regular forces.  Which means being posted and deployed wherever I'm needed.  Which would also mean giving up my cats and saying goodbye to my horse.

So many conversations about it with people being like: It's your life don't give this up just because of your cats!  And You can still keep Belle we'll work it out.

Yeah, so either Belle stays where she is and I'm away from who for indefinite periods of time.  Or I try to take her with me wherever.  Considering I've been at three different boarding stables and have only been thoroughly happy at one, I don't like the odds.

It also didn't help that I was very dissappointed in myself after this show season because I know we can do better than what we have been doing but every single time I'd screw it up in the show ring.  So then I was feeling like what was the point in riding in anyways if I just screw it up?

But Belle is my pony and she's what keeps me going.

I then decided that no, as much as I really, really, reaaaally wanted to join the forces in some form.  The sacrifices it would've asked of me just are not worth it in the long wrong.  So family, I know you mean well, but I also know what will make me happiest in the long run.

But now I'm at the now what?  Stage of the game.  And during the dark, black, and miserable days I felt like there were no options and I was destined to be depressed forever.

I love writing, I love creating and what I really, really want to do is be able to just write full time and ride whenever I want to, as a hobby, to my own ability and just enjoy it again.

I still haven't figured everything out.  There are still things that need to change in my life cause I can't keep doing what I'm doing forever.  The propane bills are a huge wake up call.  Because, after getting another delivery at midnight, that amounted to almost 300$ despite the fact that the tank was only topped up... Well let's just say I'll be surprised if I even get a show season.

JUST when I was finally figuring everything out.  Thanks life, you're an asshole.

It Went Poof

I'd often pondered, as I was learning more and more about all the fraud and lies of the mormon church, at what point would I be able to actually leave it alone.

At first I thought it would be just a gradual thing.  Less and less activity on the websites, less reading about all the facts, less bouts of anger and so forth.  But really it just went poof.

One day I was surfing the blogs and forums and the next I was just plain sick of it.  So I stopped and only very occasionally visit them.  It's nice to have one less thing constantly nagging my brain.

I still have moments of anger of course.  There are still connections to mormons out there so I see things that make me bristle.  But it's along the same lines of people cutting me off in traffic, or driving too slowly.  Minor irritations that I can just leave alone and walk away from.

It's in my past.  I did a stint as a mormon and now I can move on.

A New Year

This is how I felt as 2013 came to a close:

It was a bit of a brutal year.  Lots of stuff happened, usually all at once.  I think I was dealing with drama from three sources for most of the summer.  But I did a lot of personal growth, reflection and now thankfully, feel refreshed and ready for some new adventures.

I'm going to work hard this year.  Hard on the things I want to improve.  I want to improve my art, I want to get into better writing habits, and I want to get stronger and fitter.  I'm going to save up and enroll in an online creative writing course when I get the chance, and finally get those stories written!  (They are progressing extremely slowly).

I've decided to draw every day (need to get better at that), and as I mentioned last time, every week has a theme.  (This week: feet).

I'm doing Yoga almost every day, which is super fun!  I feel much more relaxed and already much more flexible.  It's a great way to unwind after work and leaves me ready to work!  (I just need to put in some work before I turn on my xbox... Cause right now that's getting far more attention than anything else, whoops).

I realized too during this week that I think I went through a bit of a depression phase.  I was frustrated, angry and felt like I was getting no where in the aspects of life I actually want to do.  I was fed up and didn't want to ride (or compete, shocking) and wanted to drop everything and start over.

I think I just needed some time to myself, which I got over the holidays and now I'm back and enjoying what I love!  Which is riding my pony!  (When snow is not flying off the roof or it's -30C outside).  I'm also just grabbing my pencils and letting myself draw whatever I feel instead of being so overly focused with things being "perfect".  Art is about self expression and I think I forgot that in my pursuit of improving my anatomy.  (I still want to, but I need to let myself have fun and experiment).

Basically, this year I've decided to put in the work necessary to achieve what I want.  If it requires schedules, hiding the remotes to my consoles, or whatever I'll do it!  No more doing nothing and whining about not having accomplished anything.

I'd say bring it on 2014, but I think I said that last year and yikes.  So let's just say:  I'll make the best of it!

Buckling Down

I tend to be a bit on the lazy side with things I want to do, goals I have, and it's been slowly sinking in that if it's something I really want to do, then I need to actually do what I can to make it happen.

Instead of saying how much I want it to happen and then just never doing it.

So, I've started myself on a drawing boot camp.  Every week will have a theme and I'll sketch only that for a week.

This week I'm sketching hands.  Next week I'll sketch feet, then heads, etc.  I'll start with the things I feel are my weak points, and then progress to other things.  Cause everything can be improved.

I want to be confident enough with various body parts and poses to be able to draw more things from my mind instead of hunting for references.  I want my sketches to be that much more free and confident, so that's why I'm going to sketch until it's second nature.

Woohoo!

Day One!

Religion is Not a Pre-requisite to Happiness

Because everyone has their own path through life.  For some, they feel happiness in believe in a higher power, going to church, serving others through their religion (cause Atheists help people too), etc.  But it kind of sets my teeth on edge when people go on and on about how other people need Jesus (or whatever else people may invite you to believe) in their life.  I quietly bite my tongue and move on.  Especially when it's on Facebook because we all have to right to post whatever we choose to social media.

But my tongue's getting kind of sore, so I'm going to use my own little pocket of the internet to share my thoughts on the matter.

I find it ironic, what my life's journey has been like in terms of religion.  When I was a kid I did go to church with my family.  We went to the United Church.  I don't specifically remember believing, but I don't think I disbelieved either.  Eventually we stopped going (yay hockey!!) and over time I dropped (if I ever had it) christianity and became eclectic.  I say eclectic cause I have absolutely no idea how to describe my beliefs because they varied often.  I did really love mythology too, and liked to think that maybe they had it right.  I also dabbled in Wicca for a bit.

Then one day, my brother and sister in law and I watched the Secret.  Learned a lot about the universe and how I can affect it.  So, was there actually any form of God?  If a human like me could have that much power in my own life?  (And it does work).

Anywhoo long story short joined the Mormon church, happy for the first 2, miserable for the remainder till I leaved and ta-da!  Happy again!!

I'd say I've come full circle.  But not quite.  Because now I've come to realize that I'm an Atheist.  I don't believe in god.  If Jesus was real he was just a man.  Albeit a very good one, but still just a man.  But what I do believe in is universe.  What do I mean by that?  I mean that I  believe that I am a part of the universe and because of that, I have to power to affect it.  I have the power to choose my life and how I will live it.  I can even, to a certain extent, choose what will happen to me.  Not everything is directly in my control, since sometimes things things happen.  But I'm not at the mercy of the whims of a god that has less maturity than a four year old.  (Read the bible carefully).

So, for me in my life.  I don't need religion.  I don't want religion.  I am in control of my own life.  My consequences are my responsibility.  I act faster than I did as a mormon cause I don't bother to pray first.  I act first.  And things actually get done faster because of it.

I don't want to diss praying because I know it can be a huge comfort to people.

But for me it just caused me to fret and do nothing.  Whereas now I've chosen to take my life into my own hands so I have to act accordingly.

And if there is a god.  Wouldn't he/she/it/they/etc, be pleased that I'm using the intelligence, power, confidence, etc. that I've gained through life to make it my own?  Isn't that the goal of all parents?  To teach their kids the best they can and hope they live a fulfilling and happy life?  Regardless of how they do it?  (Well, short of living a life of crime that is).

I don't need a book, or a god, or a preacher to tell me my morals.  I have morals that I've gained through experience, and the example of my parents, brother, and people I've encountered in life.  From books and movies, games, art, etc.  There's a wealth of knowledge to be learned through history.

The world is progressing so fast, science has come such a long way.  And the more that is explained, the less of a need there is for God.

Because, really.  Isn't religion the modern day Mythology?  A way to explain the unexplainable?

Do You Know What's Hard?

Having your worth as a human being based on ficticious ideals.  I feel the need to go into some detail about this so bear with me.

One thing I've noticed since leaving the mormon church is that non mormons just don't understand.  And I get it.  It's something an outside really can't understand until they've been in a similar situation.  People think "it's just another church" and can't understand all the emotion that comes with leaving it.

And I get it.

But it makes it hard to find people to vent too.  Sure I can go to online forums and it helps.  But talking, actually saying the words out loud, that's the true therapy.  That's where the healing really comes.  But when you have to explain everything before people really get where you're coming from.

It becomes more exhausting than helpful.  However, I've come to realize that maybe I do need explain, if only to get the information out there so others can understand where people like me are coming from.  And I don't mean just exmormons.  I mean anyone who's ever have to overcome mind control.  Who's ever had to break the bonds of those chains and relearn or completely learn how to think for themselves.

In the mormon culture, everything is controlled.  Your dress, your attitude, your food, your time and your money.

Dress:
Modesty for women mean shoulders covered, no cleavage, skirts just above the knee, and when you're endowed you get garments.
Men seem to be able to get away with anything.  (But I think they also have similar standards, but I've seen men get away with a lot).

Attitude:
No swearing (though it still happens but you have to repent).
No ill thoughts towards others (repent if you have them)
Don't be angry at god (even if your horse can no longer jump and you thought you were doing everything he asked you to do... Oh and repent if you do get mad)
No masturbating (repent and discuss with your bishop if you do)
Don't do anything that can elicit sexual urges (repent and council with your bishop if you do)
And sex is worse than murder, but not if you're married, suddenly it's okay.  Oh and you can face excommunication for having it out of wedlock.
Homosexuality is also a sin.  Oh wait no acting on it is a sin, but you should try really hard to stop if you have urges and get to be celibate forever.

Food:
There's the Word of Wisdom.  It's actually very confusing when you actually read it.
But the consensus seems to be: no coffee, no alcohol, no tea (herbal is okay, except green tea), no illegal drugs, no smoking.
Hot chocolate is okay and recently it has been clarified that pop like coke and pepsi is okay.  Despite the whole caution against hot drinks and caffeine not being for consumption.

Time:
Church: 3 hours every sunday, not including meetings before or after
Institute: Depending on your area, 1.5hrs once or twice a week.
Family Home Evening: prayer and spiritual goodness every monday
Seminary (for high schoolers) I believe is before school every week day.
Plus there's scouts, and other activities.
Home teaching/visiting teaching: Monthly visits from people you really don't want to see you are checking to make sure you're still doing what you should.
Oh but make sure you include time for your family.

Money:
10% of your income to your church plus fast offerings to help the poor, and feel free to add extra whenever you feel necessary.

Then there's the Temple.  Oh the stories I've heard of the temple.  To enter the temple you have to hold a recommend.  To hold a recommend you have to be an upstanding member of the church.  Pay all your tithing, follow the rules, and not associate with people who speak ill of the church (I forget the exact wording, it's been a while since my last interview).

So basically, you have to jump through all these hoops, and everyone's goal is to marry in the  temple, have babies, and be exalted in the celestial kingdom (the highest degree of mormon heaven).  For further information check out this.

So after all this information, can you imagine, for a second, how hard dating is?  You're not looking for a compatible person, you're looking for a person who'll jump through the hoops and get you into heaven!  And you're lucky if they're compatible.

Which brings me to the title of this post.  DO you know what the hardest thing about leaving the church was?  Having a guy I had a crush on tell me he's also interested in me as I'm leaving the church.  I tell him so, being honest that I was leaving to be true to myself (being considerate of his beliefs) and that if he was still interested I was willing to try.

What happened?

Heard nothing else and four months later he's engaged.

And THAT my friends is why exmos have such a hard time not having ill and bitter feelings towards that religion.  Because if I had met this guy and the church wasn't involved in either of our lives, guess what?  Maybe we would've had something, maybe not, but we could've given it a shot.

But what happened?  I got rejected based on the fact that I was now considered an APOSTATE.  Because of my BELIEFS, I am now considered inferior, perhaps subconsciously, in their eyes.

So yes, I am pissed.  I am pissed because I see people make poor decisions that were conditioned into their brains for their entire lives, or from whenever they joined into it.  I'm pissed because no amount of evidence or logic can make them see how messed up that is.  I am pissed because of an organization that cares more about MONEY than they do about their members.