Atheist in A Religious World

I haven't voiced this too often.  Probably because the few discussions that have arised after I've said so have been uncomfortable.  But I've come to the realization recently that as much as I like to think differently, I care a little too much about what people think.  So here I am, saying I'm atheist.  Think what you will.

But, I digress.  I've noticed a rather curious thing since I've realized I'm atheist.  Most people I've talked to, who are believing, seem to not actually care what religion you are, so long as you have faith.  It's like people forget that part of the beauty of religious freedom, is the freedom to not have any belief at all.

I've had people plead with me, just hold on to faith.  Don't loose faith in Christ/God.  Well... Guess what, I don't have faith in god, in fact I'm pretty darn sure God does not exist.  Or, if there is one, it's completely different from what religion believes him/her/it to be.

It wasn't a decision that came from anger.  Trust me, I've had plenty of reasons to be royally pissed off at god.  But, it actually came from a journey of critical thought, observation, and of wanting to let go of my anger.  Because without that god who controls life, I had no one to blame for life just plain being a pain in the ass at times.

For, at the end of the day I realized that Christianity is modern day's mythology.  It's another way humans have chosen to explain the unexplainable.  But, science has given us so many answers, and the questions that are still out there, will be answered in time.

Which leads me to something else.  This has been a thorn in my side that, once I stopped ignoring, I could finally pull it out.  Why give God the credit for all our hard work?  I refuse to let god take the credit for my ideas, my resourcefulness, and my hard effort.  People would argue "but god created you!"  Well biology explains how I came into the world.  Sociology and Psychology explains how I came to be.  And other ologies can explain everything else.

And the fact is, I truly believe religion is the cause of so much that is wrong with the world.  We're so focused on what makes us different, we forget the fact that we are all the same.  We're all human on a planet headed for disaster because we're too busy focused on the nature of god.  We're arguing who should be allowed to marry, based on ideals that were invented.  How about everyone?  Since we're all human.  Black, white, asian, gay, tans, lesbian, straight, what does it matter?  I'm introverted, Caucasian, Canadian with native, french and Scottish descent.  Curly brown hair, hazel eyes, freckles and a freaky large appetite.  What do those define?  Introverted is part of my personality.  Canadian because that's where I was born and raised.  The others defined my features and genetics.  I'm heterosexual, by nature, as it is with everyone.  I can't say why I'm attracted to guys anymore than I can explain why I prefer hands on learning to lectures.  I have a large appetitie because my metabolism is faster and I have a very active lifestyle.

I feel like I'm rambling but really.  Why are we letting a human invention get in the way of how we treat people.  And before you counter that religion makes people better, how many crusades were there?  How many kids have been ousted from their homes because they left a church?  How many arguments have happened over doctrine?  How many times has the bible been quoted to prevent others from gaining equal rights?

And what of those waiting around, believing that all will be made right by God in the end?  Why wait?  Act!!  It is wrong to sit by while others are being mistreated.

I'm atheist because I now care more about the human race, than I do about being righteous.

Introverted and Dating

I remember when I was a kid, I thought my shyness is what made it so difficult and exhausting for me to be social. I thought the answer would be to find an outgoing guy to get me out of my shell.

Now, however, i understand that there is absolutely no shell. I can and do enjoy being around people and friends, because I have a nice little bubble to unwind in.

The thing is though, I really like my bubble. So the prospect of finding a guy who not only will love me and understand me and eventually share my space is rather daunting. Share a space... which is why my dreams of that dashing, extrovert have turned into: pleeaaaaaase let me find an introvert!!!

Because how do you let a guy know that you need space, but still want to see them? I've explained it on a few occasions, to different guys, to no avail. They took it as dumping, and then were more emotional than I was so I ran.

Or then there's the guys who reaaallly want to see me all the time and again, i need to take things slow. Again, also hard to get across apparently. Even non-verbal, clearly typed messages get misunderstood?

And in the back of my mind, i can't help but wonder if, with the right guy, I won't have these reservations. So maybe i'm overly worried for nothing. (would not be the first time. Like today, when i was seriously thinking i had appendicitis)...

I guess really, time will tell. In the meantime, here's hoping I'll at least make a friend. The best relationships start as friendships don't they? That concept seems lost on people today.

January Blues

Let me paint a picture for you of what January was like.

My propane tanks had been left to run dry, then got completely refilled which left me with a close to 900$ bill.

Then I got an epic flu bug which left me unable to work for four days.  Right after said epic bill.  (Really sick for two weeks, left ear plugged for three, still have a lingering cough).

This winter has been horrid and miserable.  It's too cold to right for looong stretches and then the weather is horrible when it should be nice out.  Either tons of snow or tons of wind.  And I'm seriously tired of snow drifts.

Add to this the fact that I've been frustrated with other aspects of my life and feel I could've made some better choices when I was younger, I was downright completely miserable and depressed.

Lots of thoughts of: life seriously sucks and what's the point?

It was hard not to focus on all the times life just has not worked out the way I wanted to.  And I was feeling so low that I just didn't want to drag my butt out of the dirt, yet again, and dust myself off, yet again, to move on and try again.

I'd been really, really looking forward to joining the reserves.  I mean, seriously excited as anyone who heard me talk about it would no.  But it's just not going to work out and it was very disappointing.

Then there was a ton of pressure from my family to join to regular forces.  Which means being posted and deployed wherever I'm needed.  Which would also mean giving up my cats and saying goodbye to my horse.

So many conversations about it with people being like: It's your life don't give this up just because of your cats!  And You can still keep Belle we'll work it out.

Yeah, so either Belle stays where she is and I'm away from who for indefinite periods of time.  Or I try to take her with me wherever.  Considering I've been at three different boarding stables and have only been thoroughly happy at one, I don't like the odds.

It also didn't help that I was very dissappointed in myself after this show season because I know we can do better than what we have been doing but every single time I'd screw it up in the show ring.  So then I was feeling like what was the point in riding in anyways if I just screw it up?

But Belle is my pony and she's what keeps me going.

I then decided that no, as much as I really, really, reaaaally wanted to join the forces in some form.  The sacrifices it would've asked of me just are not worth it in the long wrong.  So family, I know you mean well, but I also know what will make me happiest in the long run.

But now I'm at the now what?  Stage of the game.  And during the dark, black, and miserable days I felt like there were no options and I was destined to be depressed forever.

I love writing, I love creating and what I really, really want to do is be able to just write full time and ride whenever I want to, as a hobby, to my own ability and just enjoy it again.

I still haven't figured everything out.  There are still things that need to change in my life cause I can't keep doing what I'm doing forever.  The propane bills are a huge wake up call.  Because, after getting another delivery at midnight, that amounted to almost 300$ despite the fact that the tank was only topped up... Well let's just say I'll be surprised if I even get a show season.

JUST when I was finally figuring everything out.  Thanks life, you're an asshole.

It Went Poof

I'd often pondered, as I was learning more and more about all the fraud and lies of the mormon church, at what point would I be able to actually leave it alone.

At first I thought it would be just a gradual thing.  Less and less activity on the websites, less reading about all the facts, less bouts of anger and so forth.  But really it just went poof.

One day I was surfing the blogs and forums and the next I was just plain sick of it.  So I stopped and only very occasionally visit them.  It's nice to have one less thing constantly nagging my brain.

I still have moments of anger of course.  There are still connections to mormons out there so I see things that make me bristle.  But it's along the same lines of people cutting me off in traffic, or driving too slowly.  Minor irritations that I can just leave alone and walk away from.

It's in my past.  I did a stint as a mormon and now I can move on.

A New Year

This is how I felt as 2013 came to a close:

It was a bit of a brutal year.  Lots of stuff happened, usually all at once.  I think I was dealing with drama from three sources for most of the summer.  But I did a lot of personal growth, reflection and now thankfully, feel refreshed and ready for some new adventures.

I'm going to work hard this year.  Hard on the things I want to improve.  I want to improve my art, I want to get into better writing habits, and I want to get stronger and fitter.  I'm going to save up and enroll in an online creative writing course when I get the chance, and finally get those stories written!  (They are progressing extremely slowly).

I've decided to draw every day (need to get better at that), and as I mentioned last time, every week has a theme.  (This week: feet).

I'm doing Yoga almost every day, which is super fun!  I feel much more relaxed and already much more flexible.  It's a great way to unwind after work and leaves me ready to work!  (I just need to put in some work before I turn on my xbox... Cause right now that's getting far more attention than anything else, whoops).

I realized too during this week that I think I went through a bit of a depression phase.  I was frustrated, angry and felt like I was getting no where in the aspects of life I actually want to do.  I was fed up and didn't want to ride (or compete, shocking) and wanted to drop everything and start over.

I think I just needed some time to myself, which I got over the holidays and now I'm back and enjoying what I love!  Which is riding my pony!  (When snow is not flying off the roof or it's -30C outside).  I'm also just grabbing my pencils and letting myself draw whatever I feel instead of being so overly focused with things being "perfect".  Art is about self expression and I think I forgot that in my pursuit of improving my anatomy.  (I still want to, but I need to let myself have fun and experiment).

Basically, this year I've decided to put in the work necessary to achieve what I want.  If it requires schedules, hiding the remotes to my consoles, or whatever I'll do it!  No more doing nothing and whining about not having accomplished anything.

I'd say bring it on 2014, but I think I said that last year and yikes.  So let's just say:  I'll make the best of it!

Buckling Down

I tend to be a bit on the lazy side with things I want to do, goals I have, and it's been slowly sinking in that if it's something I really want to do, then I need to actually do what I can to make it happen.

Instead of saying how much I want it to happen and then just never doing it.

So, I've started myself on a drawing boot camp.  Every week will have a theme and I'll sketch only that for a week.

This week I'm sketching hands.  Next week I'll sketch feet, then heads, etc.  I'll start with the things I feel are my weak points, and then progress to other things.  Cause everything can be improved.

I want to be confident enough with various body parts and poses to be able to draw more things from my mind instead of hunting for references.  I want my sketches to be that much more free and confident, so that's why I'm going to sketch until it's second nature.

Woohoo!

Day One!

Religion is Not a Pre-requisite to Happiness

Because everyone has their own path through life.  For some, they feel happiness in believe in a higher power, going to church, serving others through their religion (cause Atheists help people too), etc.  But it kind of sets my teeth on edge when people go on and on about how other people need Jesus (or whatever else people may invite you to believe) in their life.  I quietly bite my tongue and move on.  Especially when it's on Facebook because we all have to right to post whatever we choose to social media.

But my tongue's getting kind of sore, so I'm going to use my own little pocket of the internet to share my thoughts on the matter.

I find it ironic, what my life's journey has been like in terms of religion.  When I was a kid I did go to church with my family.  We went to the United Church.  I don't specifically remember believing, but I don't think I disbelieved either.  Eventually we stopped going (yay hockey!!) and over time I dropped (if I ever had it) christianity and became eclectic.  I say eclectic cause I have absolutely no idea how to describe my beliefs because they varied often.  I did really love mythology too, and liked to think that maybe they had it right.  I also dabbled in Wicca for a bit.

Then one day, my brother and sister in law and I watched the Secret.  Learned a lot about the universe and how I can affect it.  So, was there actually any form of God?  If a human like me could have that much power in my own life?  (And it does work).

Anywhoo long story short joined the Mormon church, happy for the first 2, miserable for the remainder till I leaved and ta-da!  Happy again!!

I'd say I've come full circle.  But not quite.  Because now I've come to realize that I'm an Atheist.  I don't believe in god.  If Jesus was real he was just a man.  Albeit a very good one, but still just a man.  But what I do believe in is universe.  What do I mean by that?  I mean that I  believe that I am a part of the universe and because of that, I have to power to affect it.  I have the power to choose my life and how I will live it.  I can even, to a certain extent, choose what will happen to me.  Not everything is directly in my control, since sometimes things things happen.  But I'm not at the mercy of the whims of a god that has less maturity than a four year old.  (Read the bible carefully).

So, for me in my life.  I don't need religion.  I don't want religion.  I am in control of my own life.  My consequences are my responsibility.  I act faster than I did as a mormon cause I don't bother to pray first.  I act first.  And things actually get done faster because of it.

I don't want to diss praying because I know it can be a huge comfort to people.

But for me it just caused me to fret and do nothing.  Whereas now I've chosen to take my life into my own hands so I have to act accordingly.

And if there is a god.  Wouldn't he/she/it/they/etc, be pleased that I'm using the intelligence, power, confidence, etc. that I've gained through life to make it my own?  Isn't that the goal of all parents?  To teach their kids the best they can and hope they live a fulfilling and happy life?  Regardless of how they do it?  (Well, short of living a life of crime that is).

I don't need a book, or a god, or a preacher to tell me my morals.  I have morals that I've gained through experience, and the example of my parents, brother, and people I've encountered in life.  From books and movies, games, art, etc.  There's a wealth of knowledge to be learned through history.

The world is progressing so fast, science has come such a long way.  And the more that is explained, the less of a need there is for God.

Because, really.  Isn't religion the modern day Mythology?  A way to explain the unexplainable?